Executive Summary: this report finds that although 99% of respondents in surveys since the beginning of time said “I love the moon, I like looking at it at night - sometimes it’s crescent and sometimes it’s full, I like that”, now feels like the right time to think about either changing the moon or selling it off in order to receive better results. The moon has been around too long and is beginning to feel antiquated in this era of content on demand. These days a 9 year old can just dial up a Vine on their smartwatch, so why would they want to look at a big orb that will still be there tomorrow? Added to which, last year someone with a pencil wrote a paper saying we don’t actually need tides, so the moon needs to think very carefully about the service it provides.
Please respond to the following questions in this wide-ranging public consultation, so we can work out how best to work with the moon to optimise everyone’s experience.
1. Isn’t the moon a bit shit sometimes? Often you can’t see it behind clouds, and the sun is better. Mark the moon from 1 (quite shit) to 8 (very shit) according to user experience.
2. Have you ever been on the moon? Only a few people have. The moon should be for everyone. Please write ‘I hate the moon’ in red letters in the box provided.
3. The moon is too big. Yes? Please write yes, or YES.
4. How can auditing of added value generation models affect wider disparities with regard to the moon, notwithstanding the facilitation of economic patterns for subsequent generation of content data, over the last fifteen years? This one’s the biggie. Please cite Milton Friedman in your reply.
5. The moon has a known left-wing bias, as identified by Michael Heseltine when he was pissed up at a by-election in Berwickshire in 1987. What can be done to make the moon more egalitarian? Pick one.
a. Plant a flag with Rupert Murdoch’s face at the Sea of Tranquility.
b. Make the moon go from left to right in both hemispheres at once.
c. Always be a full one.
d. Scrap the moon so it doesn’t exist for anyone.
Thank you for answering, we'll get back to you in due time. Remember, anything could still happen, this is a totally open process.