Monday, November 12, 2018

The First Openly Gay Player in the Premier League

When we get the first openly gay player in the Premier League, he will be crap at throw-ins, and straight people will joke that queers can't throw.

When we get the first openly gay player in the Premier League, he will be ugly, and the average homosexual man will be privately upset about the lack of magazine spreads available to someone so unattractive. We will hold out hope for a prettier one to come out at a later date, having drawn great courage from the bold actions of the ugly football player whose pioneering bravery we recognise but on whose face we simply cannot contemplate sitting.

When we get the first openly gay player in the Premier League, Wayne Rooney will send him a tweet that says "I knew it lol! Good on you mate" and we will all sigh with contentment at the evident progress that has been made since times when people would instead have thrown rocks at this man or burnt his dick with matches.

When we get the first openly gay player in the Premier League, people will say, "It doesn't matter, stop going on about it, the main thing is that he needs to be left to do his job", and, "He just needs to be with his family at this time, let's not take this moment away from him with all this attention, leave him alone" and also, "But doesn't anal sex hurt? I dunno"

When we get the first openly gay player in the Premier League, I'll rashly pitch a thinkpiece about it to a couple of outlets, even though I don't know all that much about football, and against my wishes it will be headlined, "It's great that [ugly man who can't throw] came out, but here is what the LGBTQ community, of whom I am the undisputed and only mouthpiece, requires furthermore", and people will call me a fairy on the internet.

When we get the first openly gay player in the Premier League, our media will watch his first match very keenly to see if anyone in the stadium calls him a bumming bummer who takes it up the bum, and when no one does, our media will proclaim that everything is fine now, and not look into the matter much further.

When we get the first openly gay player in the Premier League, he'll be in a couple already, and his boyfriend will be called Matthew and run a bar.

When we get the first openly gay player in the Premier League, it will somehow emerge that he has had sex with more than five people in his life, and this will become cause for consternation. He may also have taken recreational drugs at some point in his sex life, and people will be concerned that, while there is of course nothing wrong with being gay per se, it's the drugs thing and the promiscuity that are a bit difficult, especially since [ugly man who can't throw] is a role model for children.

When we get the first openly gay player in the Premier League, he'll say that his homosexuality doesn't define him, and he actually identifies as a masculine, normal man, and he isn't into the gay scene all that much, and will subsequently be made to apologise for his ignorance.

When we get the first openly gay player in the Premier League, he'll be a defender, which is a shame, we were hoping for a striker, it's hard to remember the names of the ones who do the boring stuff at the back, what is it they do again, we'd have preferred one who does goals to be honest, especially since he isn't even good-looking. Even a goalkeeper would have been acceptable, but the ones who stay behind, I want to say quarterbacks?, it's really tricky to work out whether they've played well or not because they don't get a number of points.

When we get the first openly gay player in the Premier League, he'll have to learn who Billie Jean King is pretty sharpish, it's a steep leaning curve.

When we get the first openly gay player in the Premier League, lots of gay kids will be forced to play football by parents who no longer see feyness as an impediment to a full enjoyment of rough contact sports with aggressive men in which your face can get severely pranged.

When we get the first openly gay player in the Premier League, Piers Morgan will have something interesting to say about it, a really fresh new angle that you couldn't have predicted.

When we get the first openly gay player in the Premier League, people will look around and rightly demand that tennis gets its act together. It's ridiculous that we don't have an out gay male tennis player, why didn't tennis come first in fact? So easy to imagine a dinky little drop-shotting fag getting to the quarter-finals of Wimbledon, can't you just picture it? No jokes about Queens though, thank you, this guy hasn't even been out for three minutes and here you are already making tasteless jokes. Unbelievable.

When we get the first openly gay player in the Premier League, he'll get an advertising deal with a sports brand, which is nice, and probably advances the cause in some sort of way that's hard to put a finger on, you know, brand recognition, something like that, a raised profile, maybe Nike will give some of the money to an LGBT charity, who knows.

When we get the first openly gay player in the Premier League it will be 2020, and it'll either be a young one who got a bit careless with photos on a fuck app, or an old one who hasn't got that much to lose anymore.

When we get the first openly gay player in the Premier League, the Prime Minister will be asked about it, and so will Prince William, whose mother, the late Princess Diana, was so good with all of that of course.

When we get the first openly gay player in the Premier League, Michelle Visage will welcome him to the family, wearing a West Ham t-shirt.