Things I Would Rather Do Than Go To The Cinema To Watch Kingsman 2


  • Follow Lin-Manuel Miranda on Twitter
  • Go to a meat restaurant and dare some male friends to order the big meat platter too if they're man enough, the one with all the ribs and wings
  • Sit my not-quite-3-year-old son down for a chat about how the world is actually quite a terrible and terrifying place, and I'm not sure what I'm doing, and he has to understand that I'm making it all up as I go along, and I don't have the answers, he can't rely on me, he has to question everything, do you hear me, everything
  • Have another crack at Infinite Jest
  • Do my work commute on my knees, arriving at 10.47 with bloodied trousers and a winning smile
  • Go on Carpool Karaoke and do Hotline Bling, and then find out that Drake is a surprise guest, and then do One Dance and high-five each other
  • See my complete Grindr interactions hacked and uploaded onto an easily accessible Tumblr with amusing captions for the photos
  • 100 press-ups in a London park, very early in the morning, above a dog turd, while a personal trainer who did a stint in the army shouts, "Push up, up, OK AND NOW DOWN, SMELL THE SHIT, DOWN, DOWN, SMELL IT, OK back up again mate"
  • Write a comment piece about how, even though I am of course leftwing myself, I find it impossible to vote for Labour because Jeremy Corbyn is unelectable
  • Re-enact my beating-up of 2010 for a BFI-sponsored short film 
  • Go on a lovely romantic date with Tyson Fury
  • Carve '4 real' into my arm with a razorblade for a Manic Street Preachers disco in Clapham
  • Meet Simon Amstell and tell him how much I enjoyed Carnage while chewing a Peperami, adding, "Want some? LOL. Do the bit from Buzzcocks where Preston walked out."
  • Watch every episode of Mrs Brown's Boys only for an editor at Vice to tell me that my article "I Watched Every Episode of Mrs Brown's Boys" has been bumped for a piece by Sam Kriss about why elderflower wine is Brexit. 
  • Ed Sheeran

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